Confused.

Im a big pouter. I want things my way and when things arent im upset.
Ive been basiclly confused for the past 4mnths. This has been the most
off season of my life, usually when shit happends to me im able to bounce back and learn. But for some reason im not being able to connect
to the right things and what i believe in. Im self-centered. ive realized that. I often daze off and picture better things / worse things. Why caint i be happy right now? is it because im NOT in California where my love is? or Im NOT modeling? Im growing into the REAL Cam? i want to shoot myself and at the same time everyone else. My depression gets the best of me and i was never a strong person to take a bunch of feelings in and not let anything come out. The whole inhale,exhale lie is a bunch of BULLSHIT! everytime i do it ...it fails. I have temper tantrums idk how many times a week, my attitude has totally put me in (depression). I tried to cover things up and pat myself nd say "its okay, theres tomorrow" but ill be damned if tomorrow the same shit repeats! (screams) I wnat a vacation w/ the only person i want to fall in-love w/. And mentioning that makes my stomach turns, theres hills in that lovelife, im totally in a different mindset then she is. Lovers are suppose to feel the same right? im speechless..i want to speak up but my mouth is faster then my brain. i say things i dont mean..say things i shouldnt say..do things that i knw is dead wrong from the jump. and i own up to that, yeah so what..you have also! Ive faced the truth about myself. And i want her to see that i care, im human, i can be a damn good man for her and kids, family. I CANNOT and WILL NOT picture myself w/ any other lover. Shes perfect enuff. i feel like im bleeding to death inside slowly, Perfection takes time..and to know yourself is aswell. My 19yrs of living in trial and error has opened my eyes on the world and people , Including myself. People dont understand me, sometimes i dont myself. Im so emotional i love it at times but it break me down too. Only time will tell how i will turn out, how i will increase..learn and abide.